we have seen the enemy
And it is us.
Actually, it is me.
This week I turned into a self-loathing, angst-ridden monster.
What's going on?
Maybe it's because I got married 6 months ago and am just coming off the high. Maybe it's because I've been job-searching for 3.5 months, and though it's arguably not THAT long a time, I've stil never "done nothing" for this long. There was always school, an internship, a summer job, then grad school or SOMETHING. Without school, or a real job I feel...so...useless. Adrift, purposeless.
Between CB and Amnesty, I'm actually working 40+ hours. And, I'm desperately trying to keep up job hunting. And I'm trying to still live up to Martha-worthy housekeeping standards. It's messed up. DH's tolerance for messiness and simply cooked meals is pretty high. He's totally happy with dumplings and piles of dirty laundry. But I get disturbed. And I can't tear myself away from cooking a real meal, and doing ALL the laundry (freakin' million white t-shirts, million boxers and 10 million socks), getting real groceries, the whole deal.
So I snapped. I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH IT ALL! (but no one is pressuring me to) I NEED TO FIND A JOB!!!! (is it because work is an idol? work = worth?) I NEED REAL FRIENDS TO TALK TO, I NEED ATTENTION (not just semi-conscious, post-call intern attention). I NEED, I NEED...SOMETHING. To know I'm employable. To have contact with people other than customers. To not be so stupidly hard on myself.
Shalom. Be still and know that I am God.
Actually, it is me.
This week I turned into a self-loathing, angst-ridden monster.
What's going on?
Maybe it's because I got married 6 months ago and am just coming off the high. Maybe it's because I've been job-searching for 3.5 months, and though it's arguably not THAT long a time, I've stil never "done nothing" for this long. There was always school, an internship, a summer job, then grad school or SOMETHING. Without school, or a real job I feel...so...useless. Adrift, purposeless.
Between CB and Amnesty, I'm actually working 40+ hours. And, I'm desperately trying to keep up job hunting. And I'm trying to still live up to Martha-worthy housekeeping standards. It's messed up. DH's tolerance for messiness and simply cooked meals is pretty high. He's totally happy with dumplings and piles of dirty laundry. But I get disturbed. And I can't tear myself away from cooking a real meal, and doing ALL the laundry (freakin' million white t-shirts, million boxers and 10 million socks), getting real groceries, the whole deal.
So I snapped. I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH IT ALL! (but no one is pressuring me to) I NEED TO FIND A JOB!!!! (is it because work is an idol? work = worth?) I NEED REAL FRIENDS TO TALK TO, I NEED ATTENTION (not just semi-conscious, post-call intern attention). I NEED, I NEED...SOMETHING. To know I'm employable. To have contact with people other than customers. To not be so stupidly hard on myself.
Shalom. Be still and know that I am God.
posted by Duncan and Jen | 7:08 PM
4 Comments:
candeo, you're right, you need to stop being so hard on yourself!! there is a time for everything and maybe it's your time to just sit back and relax.
sorry to hear you are feeling so stir-crazy! I know that you, as such an active person, might find this time to be challenging. But the quote that you wrote, "Be still and know that I am God" is really appropriate... I know from personal experience that it's hard to have that time where identity (in work, being involved in things, etc.) is stripped away, but I know there are lessons God wants to teach us both in times like that....
Also, once I'm done with finals, maybe we can sit down and have a "real" conversation!!
i totally understand what you are going through! please accept this as a validation of your feelings and stress.
we need to talk.
ungh. oohgg. nngh.
(I'm just embodying the male communication style that we've perfected over the millenia to convey the sense that we're kind of listening, but not really, and we'd rather just go watch TV)
:)
what you need are a good butler and a maid... preferably English.
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