on parents
Living with the parents after years of being away is, at least for me, one of life's great challenges.
Every time I am back here for more than a weekend, I inevitably revert back to teenager mode, because they inevitably treat me as a teenager, or more accurately, helpless baby. The problem I think is that both parties (me and them) are trying WAY too hard to fix the other.
THEY are still waging their lifelong rescue campaign to save me from all my shortcomings, from impending cancer/diabetes/heart disease by monitoring what I eat/when I sleep/how much I exercise. They feel it their duty still to shield me from the pain of the world by trying to do everything FOR ME. And this drives me UP THE WALL.
I'm guilty too: I pretty much want to renovate and redecorate their entire house and garden, reconfigure THEIR marriage and communication style, and alter THEIR opinions and attitudes on issues from my brothers to politics to faith.
So I've been pondering, when I'm not spazzing out on them (is that a word? it's probably bad I used it isn't it?), when does one's relationship with one's parents reach a happy equilibrium? Oh the dream: they respect you, you respect them. Happily ever after. And, what, if any, is our role, as adult children, in trying to 'fix' them? I've heard at least 2 pastors say, we're not supposed to parent our parents. What if they are doing questionable things that could be harming themselves and others? I don't want no Dr. Phil answers either!! That stuff doesn't fly in Asian families! Or can it? I don't know. Interventions, counseling, mediation, what Asian family DOES THAT?
And I don't want to hear that it starts with me. That I can't change them, only myself. Because I've heard that before, and really, God and I are working on it, thanks...maybe I'm not letting God in on it as much as could be...teeth gritting, body language indicating, 'back off!'...but...still...hoping for other creative ideas to help the cause...
Every time I am back here for more than a weekend, I inevitably revert back to teenager mode, because they inevitably treat me as a teenager, or more accurately, helpless baby. The problem I think is that both parties (me and them) are trying WAY too hard to fix the other.
THEY are still waging their lifelong rescue campaign to save me from all my shortcomings, from impending cancer/diabetes/heart disease by monitoring what I eat/when I sleep/how much I exercise. They feel it their duty still to shield me from the pain of the world by trying to do everything FOR ME. And this drives me UP THE WALL.
I'm guilty too: I pretty much want to renovate and redecorate their entire house and garden, reconfigure THEIR marriage and communication style, and alter THEIR opinions and attitudes on issues from my brothers to politics to faith.
So I've been pondering, when I'm not spazzing out on them (is that a word? it's probably bad I used it isn't it?), when does one's relationship with one's parents reach a happy equilibrium? Oh the dream: they respect you, you respect them. Happily ever after. And, what, if any, is our role, as adult children, in trying to 'fix' them? I've heard at least 2 pastors say, we're not supposed to parent our parents. What if they are doing questionable things that could be harming themselves and others? I don't want no Dr. Phil answers either!! That stuff doesn't fly in Asian families! Or can it? I don't know. Interventions, counseling, mediation, what Asian family DOES THAT?
And I don't want to hear that it starts with me. That I can't change them, only myself. Because I've heard that before, and really, God and I are working on it, thanks...maybe I'm not letting God in on it as much as could be...teeth gritting, body language indicating, 'back off!'...but...still...hoping for other creative ideas to help the cause...
posted by Duncan and Jen | 9:40 AM
2 Comments:
Teenager mode wasn't so long ago. :) When you start showing them you aren't a teenager anymore and act differently (you may have to tell them that in case it is not obvious to them), then they will have to start treating you differently.
The 2 pastors who said that have obviously not had to parent their parents or they would not have said it. (Yes, I disagree with their statement!) If your parents live long enough to lose some of their capabilities, I guarantee you will be parenting the parents. But it is not a matter of "fixing" them. It becomes more a matter of keeping them functional and yourself sane on basic things, not the things that drive you nuts about them.
No magic on when your relationship with parents reaches equilibrium. Every parent and child relationship is different in personality, maturity and dysfunctionality.
Just remember (and I'm talking to myself about this all the time) - what goes around comes around....and there's much more that could be said on all of these subjects!
ok, I can't guess! i can't get enough of a feel of who this is!! who are you????? TL? EH?
Post a Comment
<< Home