hope deferred makes a heart sick

I've been REALLY struggling to the point of feeling sick half the day from anxiety, fear, regret and sadness.

I feel so awful that my hubby is on his own in such a chaotic time--no time for lunch or dinner, 16 hour days, work-sleep-work-sleep.

I have trouble dealing with two sets of concerned parents--all their questions, all their suggestions, all well-intentioned but all make me feel worse...

I keep telling myself I should find a job or volunteer--something to keep me from going crazy...but I just do not have the heart to really seriously look.

And as I am writing this I know there are friends going through much deeper heartache, not to mention all the anguish in Lebanon and beyond. So I try to keep that in mind--but still, even STILL, I can't really think about anything else but myself and the hubby. WHY WHY? WHEN does this end?

diversions

JC strikes again! As I wrote this title, all I could hear was her rendition of Legolas, in what is perhaps Orlando Bloom's finest moment of acting yet:

"A diversion."

If you don't get what I mean, sorry! See if for yourself in Return of the King!

I watched Raise the Red Lantern today--it's so bleak. Four wives of one rich old creep pitted against each other til they end up dead or insane. I need to get me some less depressing entertainment, now is just not the right time for this. The movie does LOOK good though: Gong Li with her smoldering eyes, the qipao fashion show, the curvy stone architecture and classic Chinese interior design...I read a review that said it was originally banned in China, probably because plot elements double as a critique of Communist rule...hmmm...I don't think I was watching hard enough because I missed all of that...

On the other hand, for the last few days, the best cure for sadness and Dementor's kisses (besides friends) has been this series of (yes, it's him) Tim Keller sermons on Joseph. At the risk of reducing Tim's fine teaching into out-of-context bullet points, these are some things that are helping to keep me going:

-God's silence does not mean God is absent
-God's hiddeness does not mean God is impotent
-What FEELS like weakening (e.g. being separated from one's spouse!) can really be strengthening (of COURSE, I have trouble with this one--HOW CAN THIS BE GOOD FOR ANYBODY in ANY WAY???!!! But I'm trying to keep an open mind...)
-When trouble happens, God is more than likely after the stuff we are trying to replace him with...sigh...
-God's purpose for us WILL be fulfilled no matter what awful, sucky, painful things get in the way, no matter what horrible massive delays without explanation we are forced to endure...

LOTS of other really applicable stuff in the series, it's like the series was written FOR US...but I feel bad just posting sound bytes so I have to stop. Happy to discuss though.

Thanks for prayers and support from friends near and far. Still waiting...

and friends are friends forever...

i shall never be able to hear that song again without thinking of JC's impassioned parodies in the Chu living room. heeee! =)

Sometimes, while listening to some dramatic ballad on the radio, I'll catch the hubby staring off dreamily into space. This is often due to the fact that the dramatic ballad is triggering him to replay in his mind, his all-time greatest sports feats (real or imaginary). We have a whole collection of music appropriate for sports highlight reels. There's a lot of John Williams involved.

I am sorry to report that I too have taken up this habit and that yesterday, after receiving a flurry of supportive emails and phone calls and text messages from our awesome friends--"friends are friends forever" started playing in my mind and I saw it: friends thinking of us while trying to score on the soccer field, while on a jog, while on the bus ride home from work, while in their dorm room across the ocean...it was beautiful, sniff.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. Anything is better with support and encouragement!!!

PS. Thanks MC for the very insightful question and DC for saying hi!!! Hi!!!! We miss you guys!

reunion #3

3 horsies in a row...













did you know there's cell phone service on the real great wall??













i know it kinda looks like I'm being taken hostage..but..it's just the big slow bear-ness coming out! =)






We had a fun weekend of too much sushi, really excellent Tim Keller talks, dim sum with my entire family (extremely rare), him studying sickle-cell anemia and me studying sales...

why the dark before the dawn?

Someone calls this song a modern day hymn. Another friend of mine thinks it's too blatantly religious for him to stomach. But for me, I can really appreciate a prayer for shoes to fit, shirt to be clean, mouth to be kissed. And of course the imagery of waiting for the dawn is very fitting now. From "How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb":

Yahweh
U2

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

trying to hold steady

Today was such an incredibly hard day for both of us--sadness, loneliness, and worst of all, hopelessness...this awful Dementor's Kiss feeling that the situation is never going to change.

TL reminded me that this experience CAN be one from which good can result, that I'll be able to connect with others going through such angst so much more deeply, that here lies an opportunity to mature in faith and character. And I know that is true. So, there are times when I'm able to cling to that, pray without hopelessness and stay steady...but then, some story on the news about separated couples, something I read on the internet (sorry K, I know you warned me against too much of that!), some small trigger will tear up all the steadiness and make me so so sad.

Please keep praying for us--to stay strong and hopeful and fruitful.

Thanks again to you who responded to 'playing small' part II! I really appreciate the dialogue. =)

yay this works!

I really appreciate s2hui's response to the 'playing small' post. Thanks s2hui~it's good to hear other people's responses to random ideas posted here.

Maybe I should add some more cents on what I *think* the author's point is: I read her quote as a challenge to people who, for WHATEVER reason, are scared to do what they're gifted in , OR, are ignorant of what they're gifted in, and so, don't do it, OR similarly, think so LITTLE of what they have to offer, that they don't do anything at all!

AND, at the risk of grossly generalizing, this is something I noticed in a lot in the Asian children and teens I worked with in my last two real jobs! I didn't do a rigorous study or anything, BUT, I was grieved to see really bright, multi-gifted Asian young people downplaying their own abilities, not speaking up or taking intiative, and letting others take the lead out of fear, ignorance of the worth of their contributions, or a skewed view of how others will perceive them. Anyway, just something I wonder about...

On a less weighty note: I FREAKED myself out LIKE CRAZY over SOMETHING recently--it was a case of TOO MUCH INFORMATION available to me on the internet and MAJOR paranoia. And maybe heat exhaustion. I'm cursed with an overactive imagination!!

playing small?

I still can't tell whether this quote below is mostly greeting card nonsense or real inspiration, (especially for those raised in the Asian "What?! You ONLY got 99.99% in Math, English and Physics?!" Camp).

Here it is, quoted by the likes of Mandela:

“'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

Does it click for you? I actually think I do like it, but out of fear of what it implies, I am tempted to scoff at it as fluff!

Night

Today I read Night by Elie Wiesel. Searing.

This piece of his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech is often quoted or tagged at the end of justice-minded people's emails and blogs:

"And that is why I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutraility helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion or political views, that place must-at that moment-become the center of the universe."

Just wanted to get that down for future reference and our general edification.

Now I'm wondering about the links between Wiesel's holocaust experience, Bernie's prolonged sickness and even my own situation. How does God expect people to deal with apparently, unanswered prayers and torturous delays for relief or rescue? Why does Auschwitz happen? Paul says something about how suffering produces perserverance, character and hope that does not disappoint. What about when it leads to apathy, bitterness and convictions that God is dead or powerless? I know this is nothing new under the sun. And I feel a little silly writing this because I'm not adding any bright insights to this problem of understanding pain, suffering and a good God. But I have yet to come to any peace of mind on the matter and am hoping to find something more solid.

Still don't know if I'm into blogging yet...

But until I decide that for sure, I'll say this: I had a lovely dinner tonight at the Rosewater with the girls. A very posh, very 'take-your-client-to-schmooze' kinda place. Soup and dessert were fabulous, but the 'green tea soba' was too citrusy for Karina and me. Still, company trumps all, and ambience can go a long way for moi.

Tippanies and I were also chilled to the bone by Meryl Streep playing Miranda playing Anna today. All that Manhattan scenery made me miss the hubby very much! Do I like posting my thoughts to the world like this?

Testing Part II

So sad today. But revived somewhat by good cooking shows, fresh strawberries and then...playing with Ruth and Sharon my fellow (mostly) unemployed sisters!

Testing testing...

June 10, 2006
It's our 1 month anniversary! Only 120 more thank-you cards to go!

The situation has driven me to dabble into the blogging world. We shall see where this takes us.